9: A Declaration on Marriage

 Some say I robbed the cradle in finding myself a wife. It’s not true. Jeanie was 12 in the 6th grade. I was 14 at my 8th grade graduation. :) We didn’t kiss until she was 13 and I was 15 (so there). My parents were married when my Mother was 14 and my Dad was 16. They were married for 75 years. Both died at age 93, one year apart. I can still remember the night, the location, the three kisses, and the songs that played on the radio the first time I kissed Jeanie. When I got up enough courage to put my arm around her shoulder then kissed her, it was incredible. For our first kiss, the song playing was “Love Letters in the Sand” by Pat Boone. The large picture of us dancing on our fist date is hanging on the wall in our home in Saint George, Utah. 

For the record, the picture was taken with Jeanie closer to the camera giving the illusion she was taller than me. I was 5’2” in the 8th grade and Jeanie was 5’1”, the same height that she is today. If you want more detail, notice the cuff links and stylish slacks I was wearing (ahead of my time). 

Let’s get all the facts straight before I make further comments on my being married to Jeanie for almost 60 years. It wasn’t until my senior year in high school that I declared that I would “love her always.” It’s a matter of record written in her high school annual in 1960. Yes, we did date others during high school and college. It was during the summer of 1963 that we agreed to no more dates with other people. Having just come back from traveling for four months in Europe, I declared my absolute love for her. I transferred from Oregon State University to BYU to be near her and to complete my BS Degree in Organizational Development. In the fall we officially became engaged on October 1, 1963. Now I can say after 60 years of marriage, “I have always loved Jeanie (my only love) and always will forever.” 

What does my marriage to Jeanie have to do with marriages being made in Heaven, as well as thunderstorms, and not being compatible? My overall objective is not to give anyone advice on marriage, but to share some of my experiences in a marriage as it relates to recently published research: 

This statement flies smack in the face of Hollywood, Shakespeare, most people’s core fantasies, and all those dating websites using scientific research to find the perfect match. 

• This study and others like it also make clear that most disagreements that arise in a marriage, 70% of them according to the work by John Gottman, a relationship researcher at the University of Washington are never resolved. 
• The result has been a gradual shift in marriage therapy toward helping spouses manage, accept, and even “honor” their discord, rather than trying to resolve the unresolvable. WOW! 
• Such a counseling program encourages couples to single out problems that can be dealt with and accept that most (like how tidy the house should be) will never be resolved.
• Of course, some conflicts do matter deeply – she wants children and he doesn’t, alcoholism, and infidelity, to name a few. 
• Differing religions and cultural attitudes also are problematic, especially after the couple have children, says Scott Stanley who is the co-director of the center for marital and family studies at the University of Denver. 
• But the bottom line, Howard Markman says, also at the University of Denver is that “virtually all couples, happy and unhappy, are going to argue. This is the case in the early stages of marriage as well as often throughout the marriage. “What tends to predict the future of a relationship is not what you argue about, but when you do argue, how do you handle your negative emotions?” This has been the case with Jeanie and me, off and on throughout our marriage. We learn how to handle our emotions; years go by before we learn anything. We don’t keep a list of what we might argue about but are “bewildered” days later on how we lost control of our emotions. Patience and love. I don’t even remember what we argued about in the firs place. 
• The growing consensus based on research has led some in the profession to develop “rules of engagement” that can make arguing less destructive. Where were these research findings earlier in our marriage, even as little as 10-20 years ago? 
• Three important rules of engagement:
• Don’t escalate an argument by blurting out sweeping generalizations: “you always…” Stay on the specific subject. Don’t drag up past events, behavior and lingering grudges into the discussion.
• Try not to interrupt – let your spouse finish making a point before you jump in.
• Take a little time to cool down after a heated argument. Now agree to have a “reconciliatory conversation” which should result in a more levelheaded, productive discussion. 
• Rules of engagement
• Stay focused on the subject of disagreement
• Don't generalize (as in "all the time" or "you always do X")
• Don't bring up past events and old grudges
• Don't interrupt
• Don't use insults
• Don't use inflammatory language like "this marriage is doomed" or "no hope left"
• Don't stonewall
• Try to say "I" (as in "I think") rather than the more inflammatory "you" (as in "you don't")
• Wow, this list is really coming right at me! Jeanie can say to me "negligent on all counts" through most of the years of our marriage. I could also say she might be negligent of a few herself. 
  

So now you say, how does this apply to me and my marriage? We argue but nothing major or that we can't handle. 

I don’t know any answers to any questions about anyone else’s marriage.  I do know that a marriage is always getting better or worse at any one time or over a period of time. I know that the “more emotion” that becomes a part of any argument has a longer life span and in time can cause serious damage to a marriage relationship.  I know that the more you argue the better you get at it over the years to where you become negligent of many of the rules of engagement. Looking back, I regret allowing “emotion” to enter into an argument leaving in its wake hurt feelings and resentment. 

Where did we go from here in our/your marriage in relation to the research that has been presented?

• The Top of the list has to be the importance of FORGIVENESS, as confirmed by research by Douglas Kelley and Vince Waldron, professors at Arizona Sate University. 
• Mainly for us, no matter our differences, “we could not imagine life without each other.” This strong undeniable factor was not covered in the research.
• The research presented has tremendous insights into arguments, not being compatible, and irreconcilable differences in both unhappy and happy marriages. As with all research, it’s often very limited and focused primarily starting with the gut-wrenching, “How can you possibly live without being with each other?” 

If you have developed and nurtured your marriage to this point, then all else, no matter what, can be worked out. You already have a happy marriage. 

So much more can be said and the years go by so fast. My wish for you is that you learn to cope with arguments, with not being compatible, or with having irreconcilable differences. 

Be happy and love each other forever. I can't imagine it any other way.